So I was thinking about why that guy at the bar last night bothered me so much...aside from the fact that he was a total jerk, and I wanted to smack the ugly smirk off of his face.
I was thinking that he bothered me because what he said is basically true. I know very little about anything that is important. Not only do I tend to avoid politics and current events issues, lately I've been feeling all-around stupid. (Did anyone else notice the typo in the sentence about having a certain level of intelligence in my last entry? I caught that on reread and was going to go back and edit, but thought it was kind of ironically funny). I've forgotten everything I learned in my undergrad and am pretty sure I'm going to have to take a few classes again while studying for my masters. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, I realize, I'm just frustrated with myself. I feel I've become a rather blunt blade.
I wonder if I will miss what I'm supposed to be doing. While I believe music is incredibly important- after all, it is a way to directly connect to the Divine, to other people, and it's presence is one of the few things that every culture has in common- I can't really explain why. I couldn't defend it last night, so I got mad and told a guy off. I couldn't defend why I am devoting my studies to it. What would he have said if I told him that I wanted to touch people, that I wanted to effect people at the very core of their being? He probably would have retorted that that wouldn't get things done...that wouldn't change the fact that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer...it won't solve poverty...it won't help.
Music can improve the human condition, and it CAN touch people at their core. I know this from personal experience. But it can't feed hungry people. It can't stop wars. While it might bring tears to your eyes, or make your heart race, or bring you a minute or two of euphoria, it isn't going to clothe you or put a roof over your head. It isn't going to make you love people the way you should.
And yet, I KNOW it can change the world. I just don't know how I can use the little that I've been given to do anything worthwhile. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, second guessing myself, my choices, wondering if I am wasting my time and efforts. I believe that music is one of God's greatest gifts, and to be called to make music in His name is one of the highest callings imaginable. But what if that's NOT my calling, or what if I go about it all wrong? I don't know anything. And it scares me.
So, random red-headed arrogant guy from the Elk, if you're reading this, sorry (sort of) that i called you an asshole. It was only because I'm feeling defensive about my pursuits. Oh, and because you are kind of an asshole. But that was only part of it.
Just needed to get that off my chest.
quote of the day (actually from Monday night while camping with my family): "Mom...did you just say 'tevis'?" Stacy, after mom was lecturing us on talking about male body parts and trying to say we watch too much tv. It was really really funny. You probably had to be there, though.
And one more, for the road: "Amanda are you farting? Ugh, that's your BREATH?!"
yesterday // life goes on
